Monday, 30 May 2005

Conversational Black Hole

I went out last night, tired of being cooped up in the house in some vague act of mourning for Marie's absence. And any way I smelt of sweat and stale body spray so I needed a reason to shower and get the hell out.

So I met up with mates from school at the Castle pub just round the corner from my gaff and had a few jars of ale. I was in the midst of the a chat with the lovely Gemma when I did something that I rarely do, I entered a conversational black hole, a cul-de-sac of of confabulation, a nightmare of vocalised thoughts.

Now I pride myself on my ability to chat shit, to talk endlessly without making a single social faux-pas, it's one of my gifts and makes up for how much I sweat but on this one occasion it all went wrong. It was like watching a car crash, I had a near-death experience as I babbled on to Gemma and I saw myself making an ass of myself.

I won't go into details here, it won't make sense out of context but needless to say that the direction my oration took me was so vacuous, posturing and barren that I blush to think of it.

It was that bad I nearly had a panic attack.


  1. You've just described my life. Whenever I get into a small-talk situation, I turn into a stunned Jackie Gleason. Instead of witty repartee, I come out with something akin to "Homina homina homina..."

    I'm fine if I have to talk to a large group of people. I'm great at telling people what needs to be done in a business situation. But small talk is beyond me.

    Welcome to my world.

    And by the way, you don't sweat. You just carry around your own climate.


  2. I hate your world BP and I want to back home...

    *Clicks heels of red slippers together*

  3. Cheers for the invitation to The Castle, but I was in Dartmoor for the weekend. Such a shame I missed your social humiliation, maybe next time :)

  4. It would be nice to meet up before I move out of Camberwell in September.

  5. Whenever you find yourself babbling like a brook into an underground spring, remember the first ground rule of bullshit.


    ALWAYS begin every sentence with, "I don't know if I should be telling you this."

    Gossip is supposed to be exaggerated, it's the whole "sell the sizzle" principle at work.


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