Thursday, 2 June 2005

When Children Attack

Imagine, if you will, being at the bottom of a pile of 11 year old boys who decided to rush you because "they were bored".

Have you imagined that? Good. Now imagine how you'd get out from underneath them. Brute force? Shouting? Witty remarks? Bribery with sweets?

I have a question that I want you to answer for me: how many 11 year olds would it need to take you down?

I've been giving this some thought and I reckon I could handle 6 before I'd topple, maybe 7 at a push, depending on how determined they were. I expect to see your answers below or I'll set the children on you...


  1. My son has tried to tackle me many times simply because he was bored. So I suppose I have experience with getting jumped by tots.

    You ask about 11 year olds...I don't know, maybe four or five? I've seen some big kids who didn't look older than ten.

  2. If only Michael Jackson's accusers had knives...

  3. A few questions: Do I see them coming? Are they all rushing from one place, or am I surrounded? Do they mean business or are the playing?

    Don't for a minute take that last question lightly. I know a kindergarten teacher who retired because one too many of her students pulled weapons on her and attacked her.

    If they mean business, I see them coming, they have no guns, and rush me from one direction, I could probably handle 14-16. I'm very strong, surprisingly nimble, and fairly ruthless. I'd only have to take out the first five or six before the rest would get the hint. More than 16, though, and their momentum would overtake me.

    If, however, this is just in fun, the number drops dramatically. Maybe 10, less if I don't see them coming.

    If you do find yourself buried in eleven-year olds, remember this: a thumb or index finger, pointing outward, with slow but firm pressure behind it, pressed in any outward direction, will lead to satisfactory results.

    The only thing stranger than my reply is the question itself.

    Why, Daniel, are you interested?


  4. I'm interested because I'm weird and you never know when the kids will turn against us...

  5. About 25 years back during the punk age i was knocked over and kicked (From behind) by 4 little scrotes....I reckon face to face six max..Them little bleeders are a different breed nowadays.

  6. I have noticed a strange rise in violence amongst youth in my area. Don't know if this is because of to my anti-depressants and video games and not enought spending time with your children or just a sign o' the times. But still your question seem strangely precise; why 11 eleven year olds and not just children in general? I mean surely the area you live in is not swarming with gangs of vicious eleven year olds.

    If you are having trouble with specific group of children then gather some evidence with a video camera and go to a lawyer and then their parents.

    "I'm interested because I'm weird and you never know when the kids will turn against us..."

    I hate it when adults talk about children like they were a different species. They are people and precious, if this is merely theoretical proposal then propose a solution other than how to many you could beat in submission at once.

  7. Anon: it was a joke, if you took the time to explore the blog more you'd know that I work with disadvantaged young people for a living and spend a lot of time making a difference, whether its with Young Offenders, young homeless, drug misuse or those who have been abused by those in a position of power.

    When you do it for a living you need the time and space to joke about it.



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