Tuesday, 27 June 2006

Can I Ask You All a Favour?

Plenty of good things are happening at the moment: Out of Joint are interested in Our Style is Legendary so hopefully it will be seen again on the British stage, I’m starting work on a couple of exciting devised projects that will hopefully lead somewhere good and I’ve been offered a part in a show touring August/September.

I also had an audition yesterday for what will be a massive commercial in the United States for Citibank. It’s the first time I’ve been up for a big commercial like that and I think it went really well, so maybe my American readers will be seeing my face across their screens sooner than I anticipated. I bloody hope so.

Can I ask you all a favour? One of the devised projects I’m working on is about beds, could my lovely readers share their thoughts and feelings about beds, any responses at all are welcome; short, long, random, abstract, narrative. Whatever, everything is welcome for our theatrical cooking pot...by which I mean leave a comment about beds.


  1. The temperpedic beds are great. They cradle your body, help reset your spine into the sorrect position, and don't make noise when you're having sex - a great thing when there are in-laws or children in the next room!

  2. The temperpedic beds suck. They stick to your body, twist your spine from its sorrect gnarled position, and don't make any noise while you're having sex--a terrible thing when it's the only thing letting you know your girlfriend is still alive.

  3. My mother-in-law is trying to persuade me that our daughter needs a froofy wooden toddler bed with some cartoon character painted on the side. The kind that cost $100 and she'll grow out of in a few years. "Utterly impractical," I say. "Civilized," she says. I'm holding out for the mattress-on-the-floor lifestyle at least another year.

  4. Ahh beds, they're almost like going back to some foetal like state...I'd say beds make you feel 'blissed out', in more ways than one. Not forgetting the smell of freshly washed sheets mixed in with body smells - wonderful!

  5. I like my bed to make noise during sex,its part of the whole thing i reckon,Getting out of a bed is a bit of a downer though,the beds in the travellodge group of hotels are brilliant,no noise but a real good kip can be had in them.

    Good to hear the work is coming in mate!

  6. I love my bed, I want to die in my bed. I think the best time to die would be to awake with the alarm clock, look over.... it's a saturday. Turn it off and in a warm relaxed moment think "Aaah I can have another hour" then in that moment when your whole body relaxes and you curl in to the pillow and drop off back into your dream.... off you go. Die happy and blissful.

  7. wow, i wish you could be a little more specific on WHY you need to know about beds, is it for a commercial, are you selling beds, are you looking for a bed, or are you just wondering why we even need them?

    beds can be a haven of sorts. They need to be comfy, and clean. Good bed hygeine is a good thing to talk about. No woman wants to come to a guys place and find bad bed hygeine, trust me on that.

    those squishy memory foam things are a nice improvement to any bed.

    too many pillows decorating the bed are just downright annoying and indicate a possible personality disorder on the part of the owner.

    beds that are decorated according to the gender are nice, but if you're married, well you have to compromise. no man wants his buddies to see his room all pink or something. and no woman wants her friends to see the bedroom decorated in logs, and antelope horns.

    down comforters, with nice quality duvet covers are nice, and good sheets. none of these walmart 200 count thread things. Flannel sheets, nice cotton sheets, and for men, make it a pattern, no white sheets for men. no way. never. no flowers either. yuck, make me puke.
    love sleigh beds. some men don't like those because if you're lengthy, your feet hit the bottom. But sleigh beds are very sexy.

    those beds with the little nets over them are just lame.

    good quality beds are a must. none of this cheap balsa wood from china. it tends to collapse during a heated 'meeting'. that happened to me. middle of the night, and whammo. bed broke. too much action on the bed. must buy good quality bed. made from the finest wood.

    no metal beds, those remind me of insane assylums, not that i've ever been in one, but i've seen them on tv. i think men should have equal say in which bed is purchased. equality in bed purchasing as well as the bedding. none of this pink crap. compromise is a must. and if you're single, and hoping to catch a marlin, pick stuff thats classy. like denim.

    what else would you like to know? beds that set higher off the floor work good for storing things underneath, or hiding under should there be a potential threat.

    ??? is that enough?????

  8. Jessica: Take it from me toddler beds are a waste of time and money. Get a big cargo bed with a rail and get your daughter used to staying put. Drawers underneath are a bonus.

    DHG: Nobody has mentioned size of bed. Cranky and I have a king size bed which is awesome! I am not sure how we slept comfortably on a queen-size bed, but once you get the big bed there is no downsizing. Freshly laundered sheets that have a high thread count are blissful. Keep the bedroom cold and put a big comforter on top and snuggle in.

    Cranky had a mattress on the floor when I met him. He got me to continue coming over by upgrading the bed. The rest is history...

    Anybody who likes a noisy bed must not have kids. Our kids are getting old enough to wonder what all the noise is about -- not looking to answer those questions, ever.

    Glad to hear about the work. Let us know about the citibank commercial. We'll be looking for you!

  9. I agree that the wide open ended question does make answering the call to talk about beds a little bit daunting. Everyone seems to love beds. They are generally comfortable places. So I won't talk about how nice and warm and cozy beds should be and how much I love that nice and warm and cozy feeling. Here are the first specific things that come to mind when I think of beds:

    1. Size doesn't really matter. Obviously, if you're two, you don't want to live with a twin bed. But I don't need a massive bed. When morpheus comes to take me, size is irrelevent.

    2. I don't need all the pillows. I'm married. I share my bed. We have 4 sleeping pillows and 2 decorative pillows on the bed. I don't understand why we have decorative pillows. We simply have to throw them on the floor at night and put them back on the bed in the morning. They seem like a stupid waste of time. However, I now realise that I do use those decorative pillows: in the mornings I often surf online from the comfort of my bed. Those decorative pillows prop me up to make my surfing more comfortable.

    When I sleep I don't use pillows. The sleeping pillows get pushed up against the headboard as I lie face down.

    3. When I am face down and about to doze off, I like my feet to dangle over the edge of the foot of my bed. Don't know why. It's comfie.

    4. We have a bed frame for the first time in our lives. I like having the heard board bit. It's nice to grab onto during sex. I hate the footboard bit. It gets in the way of #3. And, I always liked sitting on the foot of the bed to put on my socks. With the goddamn footboard piece there is no sitting on the foot of your bed. This is a sad.

    I hope this has helped. I'd be curious to know if your blog readers have helped you. Will you post a follow up?

  10. Thanks Notsocranky! One more quick story for Daniel: My mom was staying with some friends in Japan and sharing a room with the teenage daughter. The daughter woke my mom in the middle of the night and told her she had to turn around because her head was facing north, a sign of death.

  11. One liner book titles from the schoolyard:

    Rusty Bedsprings, by I.P. Nightly

    Hole in the Bed, by Mister Completely

    Of course when I was in the schoolyard, water beds were all the rage.
    The average pillow has two pounds of dust mites etc in it.

  12. Bud, pal, don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever considered studying journalism?

    I mean, Daniel asks for bed comments and you go on about the schoolyard?

    Talk about miss the point completely.

    Plus, your Uncle John's Bathroom Reader source on the two pounds of bed mites is, like most American journalism, unsubstantiated myth chosen for purely tabloid appeal.

    Now, here's a real bed fact: Prison beds are only five feet long, and twenty-four inches (forty-five centimetres) wide, due to space restrictions. This means anyone of average height who spends time in prison will have some part of their body hang over while they try to sleep.

  13. what about beds? my best use of the bed the bed was to lay on it and cover my face with the bed cover while having depression and enjoy the faint light coming through the bed covers, it feels like the safest place you can ever be. I did it a lot (before starting on anti-depressants!)

  14. Yes, it was actually about two pounds per year in an entire mattress, not just the pillow. And not just the mites, but their excrement and other organisms such as fungi in the bed ecosystem.
    The myth seems prevalent in the UK as well:

    Glad to see the col.dr. is back in fine form, misreading, assuming and blustering as usual!

  15. Yes, it was actually about two pounds per year in an entire mattress, not just the pillow. And not just the mites, but their excrement and other organisms such as fungi in the bed ecosystem.
    The myth seems prevalent in the UK as well:

    Glad to see the col.dr. is back in fine form, misreading, assuming and blustering as usual!

  16. What use is a bed that you cannot be tied to?

    I look at all those funky modern wooden low riders shizz that is all the rage nowadays, some even have those nifty pull out tables at either sides, some even go as far as to have artwork embedded in the headboard, and as much as I like functional dark wood and Shirin Neshat, I can't help but wonder; where would my feet be tied to?

  17. Sweet about the commercial!

    Beds: I have a wonderful king-sized bed so that, even if it's just me at times, there's plenty of room to roll around in. And I have a miniature (i.e. medium) sized poodle. Even though he's not a big dog, he likes to sprawl out and hog space. So in the end, my king sized bed becomes a queen! If there's someone else in bed with me *wink* then my space is further reduced. Of course the poodle's usually the first one booted if there's a guest.

    I bought a top of the line mattress, only to find out it's too hard. I ordered a "memory foam" mattress topper that makes is squishy and luxurious so now it's almost too soft. I feel like Goldilocks lately. Maybe I need a hammock.

  18. Beds with coasters on laminate floors are a mistake.

    When I lived in Germany the then girlie & I had seperate pull down beds. And I could reach out & flip hers up into the wall with her still in it in true comedy fashion.

    Motel beds with built in massagers are also cool. Particularly when your 14, yours is broken, your yonger brothers works & you have a pile of quarters.

  19. Thanks so much, this will all be fed into the devising process of our new show!

    Just to clear it up, we are creating a show about beds.

  20. New Canadian sport: Bud baiting. Works like clockwork and easy as pie.


  21. And he's still incorrect about the information source regarding bed mites. This was part of a disinformation campaign we launched while studying the surfing habits of a certain demographic of Internet denizens.

    It was very informative, and the information has been forwarded to the proper illegal domestic spying agency.

  22. Yes, he's back, complete with claims of authority ("disinformation campaign we launched") and veiled threats ("information has been forwarded"). More naysayimg of others' information couple with a complete lack of sources for his own claims of "facts". Refreshing!

    There is still no doubt that the col.dr. is the master baiter.


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