Tuesday, 24 October 2006

I’ll Forever Be Your Research Bitch

It has just occurred to me that I spend a great deal of my time reading vast reams of articles and magazines and books on whatever subject has currently got my white, heterosexual, middle-class goat so I can some how evidence my arguments to a high standard and therefore withstand the withering gaze of ignorant asshats.

Why frankly, do I bother? There is something alarmingly pompous in my quest for truth and evidence to pump up my inflated arguments on a wide variety of issues (well, maybe not so wide), when I can hear the gallery scream: “WE PREFERRED IT WHEN YOU WERE FUNNY!”

This addiction to research has started to bleed over in every area of my life, assisted mainly by the joy of the Internet, for example it was with some regret that I turned down the opportunity today to spend a good few hours locating a collection of pre-Modern p0rn. A casual mention by a friend of a desire to study in New York meant I embarked on a long, thorough and utterly unnecessary quest for the finest educational options. I can no longer buy a book or CD without fully exploring all the purchasing options and equating the best deal.

Any causal mention in the news, let’s say of Kenny Rogers (no, not that one) and his stained hand (is it pine tar or is it dirty spit?), leads to a massive Wikipedia research adventure, that stops off at Kenny himself, pine tar (and its uses) and dirty spit.

Yesterday, I plumbed new depths of my Wikipedia addiction to facts, or Wikiphilia as I have coined it, by spending 3 hours looking at the Panama Canal, the world’s biggest ship and rogue waves.

I think I need some penis soup


  1. See, no matter how hard you try to be clever, you still just come off as funny! :)
    Thats ok, we like funny!

  2. I just realised it says cock in that picture. WICKED!
    (CLICK ON MY NAME!!!!!)

  3. It's cos you is autistic. Like most men, the Internet has tickled your Rain Man gene, but instead of being a mathematical whizz, you just bleat on about inconsequential stuff over which you have no control and research it like a crack whore looking for her latest John. Don't worry, this is perfectly normal and male. Some men obsess about football matches, some about train spotting, some about their cars. For me, the Internet has been a gateway to untold debauchery and masturbation. Like I said, we all have our obsessions. You may continue while I go off for a sneaky wank.

  4. The internet is like crack.

    I remember a time, before the internet, when you just bought the brand of chainsaw the local hardware store had. Now you get to be an expert.

    Although, there really is nothing like a properly delivered blow from an eight pound splitting maul. The internet can't give you that.

    But I did find on the internet some intersting ways of ridding one's environment of the odor of skunk....

    I make my living making sure people can waste huge amounts of time traveling the vast wasteland that is the internet without the threat of interuption in the pursuit of "knowledge."

    Surf you crackheads!

  5. My Wikiphilia is expressed via my constant looking up of scary movies that sound like they might be really nasty, then working myself up into a sweat over whether I can take watching them, will they scar me for life etc, then watching them and being vaguely disappointed. And so the cycle repeats.

  6. I share your quest for triviata, although I no longer look for information to win political arguments. The folks with enough brains to understand the arguments usually agree with me, and the trolls who disagree aren't swayed by things as trivial as mere 'facts.'


  7. political arguments - the way I see it, I have won the broader argument and current events are bearing that out. Even though the argument at this point is a big fat "I told you so," I do still enjoy beating my opponents to a pulp on occasion. Facts make wonderful bludgeons.

  8. In times like these, where Truth is the biggest casualty, research is imperative. I would much rather be drinking, fishing, etc but these are luxuries we can ill afford,or that my children demand I relinquish till things get settled. Its about Power and penis soup.

  9. I like meat me,but some parts just ain't for eating i reckon.


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