Monday, 4 December 2006

I Don’t Want to Feel/I Want to Feel

A director, during an emotion memory exercise for a play I’m doing, asked me to remember a moment of rejection; to transfer myself back to the time and place when an offering of love was soundly put in its place as a desperate gesture by a desperate man.

Unfortunately, I have rather a few moments I can draw upon but I was surprised by how fresh and raw the sensation was even though the event in question is nearly a year old. I felt my breath quicken and become shallow, my chest falling and rising, my hands becoming fists, the dull sob of my heartbroken mouth as the humiliation of my feelings lay exposed like innocent bystanders caught in a terrible explosion.

As the tears rolled down my face and the pain made me bite my lip and dig my nails into the palms of my hands I felt all the trouble of the last year well up so profoundly in my soul that I thought I may split in two. Instead, I smashed my right hand into the hard floor and instantly felt foolish as my knuckle throbbed in pain.

“Men look so stupid when they hit things.”

I’m heartbroken. How can giving everything I’ve got not be enough? Why do people wake up to what they’ve lost only when its gone and not when its on its knees begging for attention? Why am I so weak?

I’ll be glad when this atrocity exhibition is over.

7 comments:

  1. But Daniel, you're missing your craft's greatest opportunity to lay bare humanity, while giving all involved the chance to walk home relatively unscathed.

    Be the one who lets those sharing your pain from the audience come so close to hurting it hurts, and at the same time be merciful in knowing they do not need to carry the burden outside the playhouse.

    We who lead the way must bear the troubles of those who follow, and we cannot ascend to being fucking noble without remaining true to the circumstances of life, honest to its pain, and willing to suffer so that others may learn without being tortured by reality.

    God bless you, Mr. Hoffmann-Gill, and stay courageous in the struggle to live a real life through acting.

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  2. you gayS ar.....bIg.YEah!?? i gOt a religen....instead 0f tea an a Biscuit in yor facE! I can wip my leg wit h my eyes ........alL the tImee...... Theres a curry on My Cheek........! Quik you.r around my life and front roome! What for?/ My wife Is .....hungry!! Lov
    ethe byex x

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  3. It's never enough...

    You should only worry when you don't feel anything anymore.

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  4. I've felt it. Darkness that comes crashing down around my normally sunflowery bright existence.

    What is up with Yannis?

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  5. Darren's advice is priceless I reckon. Well said Darren...
    We all have our moments of weakness dear friend. Peace to you
    xx

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  6. Dan is it weak to open yourself up to that possibility of pain, i think not as you go in knowing that you could be rejected so it takes more strength. Whereas to walk away or avoid these situations is the weak option hence the one i have taken in the past.
    Your an extremely strong person, and by being the person you are you have those emotions to draw on which in turn will help you as an actor whereas i do not have those emotions to use as they are hidden deep within many barriers.

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