Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Brassneck

It's all kicking off at the moment and I'm struggling to keep my head above water. What with trying to buy a house in London, rehearsing for three plays, directing a showcase, auditioning for lucrative commercials to make me famous and holding down the day job; it's all getting a bit much.

But then again I am a whinging twat.

Don't get me wrong, rather be busy than not but hard sometimes to keep your wits about you in an ever shrinking time vacumn but fuck it, onwards and upwards, what don't kill me only makes me stronger...

I got The People's Act of Love for Christmas and I'd like to end by mutilating a quote from it to provide a coda to this brief post:

"When it seemed there was no limit to happiness, his lover's face, her limbs, her breathing, her eyes, the gentlest movement of her mouth, or a blink, told him with a stronger dose of joy that the universe was theirs to play with, that all the world was crouched in listening and waiting, that time had stopped its jagged progress and smoothed down a place for them to love on as they chose, that there would be no more history until they said it should begin again."

27 comments:

  1. would you let us know which plays and when they might be playing .... your blogging buddies might be interested in becoming real life stalkers!

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  2. Good to hear your struggles are moving you upward.

    The quote is scary cool because I was just taken with the need to express one of my scientific Laws on my blog--which directly relates to the etiological dispensation of the quote.

    Scary cool indeed.

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  3. Lucky sumbitch. You Brits have a much lower standard of living--on average--than Americans but a house in London sounds very nice. Very nice.

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  4. Our London correspondent has asked us to ask (on their behalf) how clueless and arrogant someone can be, to trash the "standard of living" of Britain, to the benefit of that of the United States of America.

    The facts:
    -Infant mortality on the inclusive US population (they like to hide the millions of uninsured illegals from OpStats) is worse than Somalia.

    -Infant mortality in black communities is comparable to postwar Liberia.

    -Infant mortality in the American middle class is worse than Costa Rica, Argentina and Venezuela.

    -One in seven citizens of the United States will be the victim of a violent crime in their life.

    -NO FREE UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE

    Our London correspondent would also humbly submit that the prospect of owning a house in their city has no comparison in the United States according to cultural and historical measures.

    In short, our London correspondent openly wonders when the clueless, arrogant Americans of the world are going to learn their place and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    PWN!

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  5. only 3 plays? sheesh, what a light weight! *G*

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  6. Congratulations on your new flat Daniel!! North London is the place to be!!
    PS nice quote :) xx

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  7. Col.Dr.--

    I believe the "illegals" in America should be put under the "Mexico" category. All that government is capable of doing to combat its poverty problem is to shunt it off to its northern neighbor.

    Col.Dr., I am beginning to question your sexual orientation. Everything you say is QUEER!

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  8. Col.Dr.,

    By standard of living, I was primarily refering to the size of our houses, cars and incomes.

    (Sorry, Daniel. I'm having way too much fun....)

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  9. Matt:

    There is no index which measures standard of living which accounts for size of houses and cars.

    In fact, your oversized piece of shit SUVs are killing the planet, grossly reducing the standard of living in your shitty little country there.

    As for income, things such as inflation, cost of living, access to services and taxation must be considered before they can be factored into the standard of living.

    Your nation pays higher taxes than most socialised countries, in order to pay for your cancerous military.

    Your government's penchant for bailing out their business cronies to the tune of billions at a time leaves you, even after you cook the books, with a practical inflation rate comparable to post-Communist Russia.

    100,000 persons are outright killed by the doctors in your healthcare industry every year. More than a million are severely injured. This 1/3% casualty rate from medicine is as bad as Liberia, even if you spend your entire salary on medical bills.

    Enron.

    Returning to our correspondent's concern about gumflapping hillbillies dissing London's desireability, let us remind you that your (probably well-intentioned) comment basically said, "Gee, even though England is a shithole, a house in London would be real nice."

    Returning to the standard of living, I might suggest that you live in one of the world's worst shitholes, and are only blind to this fact because it would take some measure of taste or class to realise what a ride you and your clueless, arrogant, absolutely deprived countrymen are taken for.

    Pwn!

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  10. Matt, I just noticed your accusation that I am of the homosexual orientation.

    I would take this as final evidence that, having no means by which to engage in a serious or relevant conversation, your only action is to cry fag and hope someone as ignorant as you will gang up with you. That's how cowards operate.

    Damn, boy, you really do work for the Pentagon. Homophobic cowards.

    Even with this thread's worst troll, namely the Bud, I have never seen such a resort to such chickenshit, hate crimes, which might fly in East Buttfuck Missouri, but certainly have no place in polite society.

    I suggest, Matt, that you commit suicide. Don't worry about leaving a pretty corpse, and remember that trains work. If you jump, make sure you're at least ten stories up, so you die. We don't want you malingering.

    Pwn!

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  11. Our rhetoric group had an "auto-wiki" feature, that would do wikipedia lookups. But the search of references was not sufficiently refined to weed out badly researched articles. Instead, for 3.5, we went with "wiki trashing", so any citing of a wikipedia entry will usually trigger the wiki trashing tantrum.

    Interestingly enough, the Col. Dr. system's rhetoric is often so over the top that the system's citing of "facts" with no references whatsoever seems to just blow on by most people.

    However, your statement about standard of living would be correct without the word "much", at least according to this wikipedia page:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UN_Human_Development_Index

    The US is at 8th place, UK is at 18th.

    No doubt the Col. Dr. system will note that Canada appears at 6th place.

    It will be interesting to see if the system can resolve the program conflict between wikipedia trashing, and effectively validating the wikipedia entry by mentioning Canada's higher standing. Citing Canadian superiority in any area has a fairly high priority, it adds to the persona.

    As we seen from eva-jane's comment, it appears DHG has a new flat, not a house, and it is in North London, not Central London as one might have inferred initially. So it's not so surprising given a similar standard of living.

    Sorry about the Col. Dr. system's counseling to commit suicide. The way the system is constructed makes it difficult to prevent such things without losing a lot of the more entertaining stuff it churns out.

    For example, the system often does the "cry fag" device itself, usually just before the swearing fill-ins kick in. Since it has not used this on you, when it detects it from you (even under the flimsiest of premises as seen here) it will then play the homophobia card.

    And finally, the "pwn" stuff was a very recent addition. You're supposed to ask what it means, and the system can then look hip and ridicule you as uncool. It wasn't supposed to tack it on to each output generated, the cultural reference group is working on it.

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  12. Ah, the delusions it takes to be an American who doesn't chug a slug.

    You, American sirs, are useless cunts. Unfit for future comment, which would run the double risk of you thinking you had some kind of worth, except as dinner for worms.

    I have complete understanding of Cheney's motives in engineering 9/11. The only kind of people who could hate you enough to do that would be yourselves.

    Adieu, motherfuckers.

    Fuck, I'm noble.

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  13. By the way, for everyone who cites the Wikipedia as an authoritative source, you should browse the Rotten.com library and notice the remarkable similarities in wikipedia "knowledge" and Rotten's "infotainment."

    Also, we feel it important to point out that Bud did not distance himself from Puny's homophobic remarks. We take this as Bud's endorsement of them, despite his inner torment over Mother's harsh discipline, and declare this dynamic duo to be common American trash.

    Pwn, motherfuckers.

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  14. Dr.Col. - You've got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!

    What you don't know about the world could fill volumes. "Pwn" was hip for about five minutes in 1995. Now it's just pathetic. Now get back to Quake your loser friends are waiting for you.

    DHG - Cool on the new flat. It sounds like you are going through an interesting part of the journey. Enjoy it. Cheers!

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  15. Wow, another useless American who, in lieu of facts, plus both any ability or content to contribute to a good debate is reduced to whiny name calling and petty ridicule.

    Nothing more can be expected of that peculiar race, obviously.

    We do note that the sudden burst of anger from the self-Cranking Yankee follows our very accurate identification of the American people as a race of beasts preoccupied with attempted insemination of their maternal figures.

    We conclude that this particular motherfucker must have been attached to his mater, in more than the coital sense, and believes a little immature tantrum in some way redeems her reputation.

    We further point out that this particular masturbating mom lover, or "American patriot" as the case would seem, failed to distance himself, along with his troll bud, from certain illegal, improper, disgusting, horrifically (and thereby completely American) remarks made earlier on this blog.

    This proves that all Americans are simple, violent beasts, full deserving of any grisly fate which is being visited upon them. Now Pat Roberston claims two hundred million Americans will be killed by terrorists this year.

    Perhaps there is a god after all.

    Pwn, motherfuckers.

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  16. We're still trying to locate the logic bug that says "not mentioning something or not distancing oneself from something said to others implies agreement". That logic could be applied to the Col.Dr. system's complete lack of mention of the standard of living data.

    As expected, it looks like that did cause a program conflict. It took a good three minutes of CPU time to resolve, which explains why the system played the "wikipedia trashing" tantrum in a separate comment.

    Funny how the system would trot out the homophobia card against everyone. For my part, I'm not supposed to "distance myself" or anything from comments made when the system engages others.

    I'm also a little biased, since I do recall the discussions when we decided that we would give the Col. Dr. system a male persona, but we never really discussed a sexual orientation for it. It seemed having a gender would help to make the simulation more realistic to anyone it engages, but having a specific sexual orientation would be irrelevant.

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  17. Dr-c01 Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! You didn't scare me! Work on it!

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  18. Bud - It has a male persona? Weird, I didn't pick that up.

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  19. We point out that the bud has moved from just being a fucking cunt to being a directly homophobic cunt. If his idiotic remarks are intended to rile us, he's failed in yet another area of his useless life. The only thing he's achieved is to point out to those who are homosexual that he hates them.

    We're confident they don't care, because he's pretty easy to peg as a homophobic cunt.

    Our last word on all of this idiocy is that, when previously Daniel posted on how preteen children have a better grasp on fairness than the entire American nation, the goons who purport to represent that nation here went on a 50+ comment rampage, doing the only thing Americans do.

    It is no coincidence that they, like any breed of common dog, are oblivious to what's going on around it, and exist only to bark until everyone leaves, piss all over everything, and licks their balls in the corner.

    Neither could they, in their "here boy" state of limited trained responsiveness, simply congratulate Daniel for the great things which are happening in his life. We need not even point out the futility of hoping they'd read, let alone understand the literary quote, as it was not printed on the back of a Pabst Blue Ribbon can.

    All they are able to do is open their arsehole talk orifices, and fart out how fucking great they've been programmed to believe their penny ante hovel of a backwater nation is, in lieu of history's judgement.

    In the end, the American proves itself to be nothing more than a(hypocritically) homophobic animal, whose only cerebreal endowment is a pus-filled carbuncle, about the size of an overweight toad, leaving it incapable of thought, and devoid of any redeemable human characteristics.

    We are glad that this thing called the American is of such nonexistent consequence in the world, for our utter lack of notice thereby becomes entirely correct. We note with great satisfaction that where it irritates the powerful nations with its puny army, it gets its incompetent ass kicked.

    Where it attempts to introduce political ideas, we note it is immediately ignored and put to the side until someone needs something to wipe their fingers on.

    There it sits, demented and stupid, off to the side being laughed at by the humans it growls at. Just a mean, mangy, ball-licking mongrel due for the pound.

    But don't let that stop any of you from shooting it, running it over, poisoning its Alpo, or what have you. Like any plaything that's outlived its usefulness, it's about time to park this one beside Snowball I.

    We so totally pwn every single one of them--evidenced by the fantastically bizarre comments they've polluted this blog with--that we give the world permission to take them down at will. Make a sport of it, there's three hundred million of them.

    But whatever you do, don't dignify their hateful, bitter, jealous horseshit, also known as "patriotic banter," lest they believe themselves to walk on two legs.

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  20. rd.c01- Bullshit! From now on you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?

    I had a cat named Snowball
    She died! She died!
    Mom said she was sleeping
    She lied! She lied!
    Why oh why is my cat dead?
    Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
    I had a hamster named Snuffy
    He died...

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  21. Bud - On a technical note - You need to talk to your QA guys. It seemes to apply the standard "death to americans" rant rigardless of its applicability. I don't think the target nationality variable is being flushed or the function that fills it is failing somehow.

    Did you guys tweak the whine factoring? It seems to be a bit more whiny these days.

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  22. The fuck you doing still on the computer Yankee? Get back in the field and dig them potatoes.

    Useless fucking Americans.

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  23. Cranky:
    The whininess is supposed to be self adjusting. It may be due to my presence here. Even though being here means I am not able to access the control panel, it may be reacting in an unforseen way.

    We found "death to Americans" usually elicits lots of responses, so it's kind of the default when a more intelligent sounding response can't be formulated. But only when it believes there are Americans around. The criteria for making such a guess are not very effective. Sometimes it alternates between that and run of the mill swearing.

    But we're very proud of the guilt by association rules, which lead to endless misunderstandings and of course more fodder for it to spin from. For example, I am now a homophobe, based on what? But in typical operation, most people are a little sensitive about being called such things, and will usually react.

    You might wonder why we have these features that simply cause more interaction to happen. It's part of giving it more material to work with. We once did a lab test where we reconfigured the backup hardware, so that the main and backup were both operating as if they were the main system. Yes, we had *two* Col.Dr. systems running and interacting with each other.

    Surprisingly, the result was not very interesting. It very quickly turned into one of those things children do when one simply parrots what the other says, then the other starts saying thing to make the "repeater" look foolish. "Death to Americans" being hurled back and forth was good for a chuckle, but soon simply degenerated into swearing. No new input, so we have it use various rhetorical devices to keep people interacting with it.

    Now that I think of it, that two col.dr.'s test may explain the system's inordinate fixation on masturbation, and sex with relatives. It seems to go beyond simple things like saying "You wanker" or "You motherfucker", and into detailed descriptions of how an opponent engages in these activities.

    The two Col.Dr. test may also explain the extensive use of the royal "we" used when issuing its various pronouncements about others. In a real sense there are two of them, the second one is the backup hardware, but it is not operating the Col.Dr. system software, only a supervisor function so it can take over should the main system experience some fault. But it's not supposed to be aware of that.

    The other strategy you may have noticed, which is also used to get more interaction, is the "must get the last comment in" feature.

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  24. I have notice that if you engage it with equally irrelevant bullshit it becomes quite a bit more imbalanced. It also has a very low ability to grasp or engage subtle pop references.

    The dueling versions is the prototypical pinwheel battle.

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  25. Bud sure talks alot for a pwned potato picker. He's noticeably of the one-trick-pony variety, of course, repeating his one stupid thing over and over.

    (You see, he thinks he's people)

    I done tole you last time you needed whuppin', bud: stop trying to look like people. Down boy, down. Bad lower-than-dog animal, bad.

    And you got Cranky all het up again too. Both of you, get away from Massah's computer and get the hell back to work a'fore I hack half your foot off. I'd feel real regret at having to clean my valuable axe of your unworthy blood and gristle.

    Useless fucking Americans indeed.

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  26. Very appropriate.

    Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day to you too!

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