Wednesday, 6 August 2008

The Asshat on the Front Row

It was Eva-Jane and I's anniversary yesterday and for a treat we went to see Louis CK at the Soho Theatre after knocking back some seriously good curry, topped off with milkshakes for dessert; we made our way for an evening of laughs.

Before I wade into the subhuman cunt who tried his best to spoil the fun for everyone else, can I just describe the joys of the curry I had, which was lamb based, very creamy with spaghetti in it and an omelette on top...


Moving on swiftly...

Louis CK, for those that don't know, if an American comedian of the first order (I'm not sure what that means but if US funny people have an order, Louis is in it and it is of the first order kind of order) and he had me and Eva in stitches all night with his awesome routine. My personal favourite bits were a nice section on sweating (I feel his pain, being a pro-sweater since birth) and mini-people coming out of your vagina and shitting all over your dreams.

However, sat next to Eva-Jane, on the front row that is, was a man who was not only Australian but also seemingly high and drunk, who had completely lost his personal space parameters. Before the show started, I warned him to watch himself and make sure he gave Eva room, job done I thought, twat dealt with, now bring on the laughs.

Unfortunately, once the show began his sprawling body, foot stomping, ostentatious clapping, semi-passing out on Eva's knee, wandering hands and general asshat behaviour meant that he did the best job he could of ruining the night of all the people around him who were digging the work of Louis.

I was in a conumdrum, do I...
  1. Beat him to shit in front of a theatre of people and spoil the show
  2. Swap places with Eva and hope that our shifting on the front row doesn't distract from the show and inflame the mong-bat any further as he rubs up against me
  3. Sit there and fume, trapped between wanting to do something and not wanting mess up everyone's night

I did number 3.

Shame on me.

I hope that horrible little man gets diabetes and his feet drop off from poor circulation.


  1. Man the times I have wanted to do something.

    I would have liked to think I would have done 1.

    But I would have most likley done 2 because Viv would have tried to beat him up first.

    However, I once took a laser pen off a 14 year old in a cinema and said if he had the balls he can pick it up from me outside after the movie.

    I felt a bit of a bully but it made me feel strangly satisfied when he saw me in the car park with his mates and gave me a wide berth instead of asking for his pen back.

  2. I would have done 2, also because I would have hit the guy if he touched me. I'm going to London in the Spring!

  3. UWL: let me know when you're here we can hook up!

  4. Guys like that live depending on people not resisting them. It's learned, practiced behavior.

  5. Number 2, dear boy. But what you had to do is start invading his space. You are a big boy, you could have stretched your legs wide as if you were trying to circulate a breeze around your nutsack. For maximum annoyance and sheer freak-outedness, you could have put your hand on his inner thigh and started to stroke it suggestively. There are three outcomes to this:

    1) He freaks out and runs away
    2) He decks you because he is a heterosexual Australian
    3) He sucks you off because he is a homosexual Australian

    In fact, only number 1 is any good there.

    At a gig, I got into a fight with this goth-looking guy and his girlfriend as they were both high as kites and decided to both dance frenetically right beside The Missus (who is a dwarf) elbows and arms flailing wildly. Luckily, he was so strung out my scary demeanour was enough to frighten them off.

    I hate people. Bastards...

  6. That is some funny shit, maybe he will get diabetic ulcers on his legs first, and the stench will cause him to be ostracized from society.

    By the way, your comment on matt's blog about john macain being an albino made me laugh so hard I pee'd

  7. RE: I think he was beyond caring what anyone thought but at the end of the show he said nothing and just sat in a drug coma. Tool.

    Darren: I love this, now all the guys come out and show how well they'd have kicked his ass; typical man thing.

    Doozie: thanks for stopping by, glad you made a wee and hope to see you here often.

  8. ....What a fucking spunk bubble! Should have set fire to the cunt!! x

  9. I'd have lamped him...

    Then got scared and cried "She did it!"


  10. Kirky: you're hard as nails you are!

    Bensix: thanks for stopping by and for bringing the pain.


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