Thursday, 30 October 2008

POW-MILF Combo to be Smited by a Black Guy

I come back from Lincoln after two great shows (although, once again, the venue couldn't sell tickets for shit) and I discover that Obama has been running half-hour ads on US television, with the seemingly sole purpose of making honky's feel comfortable having a Negro running their country.

I think it worked but it presents the bizarre contradiction that runs through American society: a black man can actually be President (something we are miles off achieving in the UK) but many people won't vote for him because he is black in the first place.

Then, aside from hanging out with Bill Clinton and giving a talk to the old Jews that litter the sunshine state, Obama appears on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and I'll leave you with that video below...but before I do, shout out to Ren for turning me on to the POW-MILF concept; in order to describe cancer-ridden-nearly-dead-war-veteran John McCain and his retarded but ever so sexy hockey-mom-slut-pot Sarah Palin.

I owe you one.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Even Anchorage Won't Back McCain/Palin Axis of Evil

Before I go off on the penultimate leg of the Zero tour to Lincoln and Taunton, I just had to share the hilarious news that The Anchorage Daily News backs Obama for the top job.

HA HA HA!

So let me get this straight, the largest city in Alaska, where 40% of Alaskans live, represented by the largest newspaper in Alaska, have not backed the Alaskan lust-bucket but come out in support of Barack Obama.

Can someone please put the McCain/Palin combo out of it's misery now? If it was a horse, it would have been shot by now, converted into dog food and that food would be steaming poop on the sidewalk.

Monday, 27 October 2008

The Eleven Commandments According to The Streets


  1. We came to this world with nothing and we'll leave with nothing but love. Everything else is just borrowed
  2. Go to heaven for the weather and hell for the company
  3. Don't love someone more than they like you
  4. It's not Earth that's in trouble but the people who live on it
  5. Turn your life on a flip on a coin, take the chances you'd normally avoid
  6. Every single one of your ancestors survived and passed onto you life, what are the chances of that?
  7. Never give in
  8. Be friends forever, let them see your worst
  9. All religion is myth, do what you thinks right because when you do bad you feel sad
  10. You're the strongest person I know Eva-Jane
  11. I'll not feel not fear because I'm not really here, in fact I'm nowhere near here...
Buy the original document here.

Friday, 24 October 2008

The Corn Exchange Newbury: Fuck That Swamp

Just got back from another leg of the Zero tour and it was a tale of two halves.

First part of the week in Manchester, at the excellent Contact Theatre where we did three shows that were either full or nearly full and that went down a storm. In fact, we got a jolly nice review in Manchester with the tag line:

"A powerful and thought-provoking play, as brilliantly performed as it is directed."

But Newbury and the Corn Exchange was a very different story indeed, mainly because they had not only failed to sell any fucking tickets (well, they managed to shift eleven but one of those was Adeel's mum and he's in it so that doesn't count) but they had sold the show on their website as...wait for it...IMPROVISED COMEDY.

You couldn't fucking make it up could you?

What makes it worse is that they were part of the consortium that got Zero off the ground, so you'd have thought they'd have invested maximum effort in selling the show, not only that but they actually have three staff members dedicated to marketing.

Ruth Cadiot for example, who is in charge of sales and marketing, I repeat Ruth Cadiot who is allegedly in charge of sales and marketing. Then there is Imogen Curtis, I repeat Imogen Curtis, who is a marketing and audience development officer (excuse me while I piss my pants with laughter) and they even have a marketing assistant: Lorraine Beck.

What were the three of them doing? Are they ashamed of themselves? Should they be shot?

I just hope Adeel's mum liked it...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

There's Probably No God. Now Stop Worrying And Enjoy Your Life

ALL ABOARD THE ATHEIST BUS CAMPAIGN!

I was perusing my online edition of that fine liberal rag The Guardian this fair morn and stumbled upon a marvellous story about atheists bandying together to raise money to put an atheist advert on a London bus.

It seems the idea originally started when a certain Ariane Sherine was fed up of being harangued by ominous, doom-laden adverts on buses; that threatened that a lack of faith in a certain Mr. Christ as the saviour of humanity, would lead to long time burning in hell and other such ball bags.

Time for the atheists to strike back with their own advertising hoardings getting people to think and we all know how much religious people hate thinking and questioning minds.

This idea has the backing of the British Humanist Association and Richard Dawkins (recently banned in Turkey which is a badge of honour for any right thinking person) who is promising to match the funding up to £5,500. The aim is two sets of adverts, on thirty London buses for four weeks and this is where you come in...

DONATE MONEY TO THE FUND HERE PLEASE!



I've chipped in already and we're not far off so get your donations in there.

And remember, a thinking mind is a dangerous one so let the thinking commence.

Monday, 20 October 2008

RIP: The Global Economy, Burn in Fucking Hell

Civilisation is crumbling.

The world of money and numbers is falling apart and being propped up by good old fashioned tax payer funds, we are now in a time of socialised banking and the Americans (who have a weird fear of all things socialist) must be tossing and turning in their GOD BLESS AMERICA beds.

What passes for mass-culture is full of sequels, derivative nonsense and reality obsessed televisual vomitings.

And a black man looks favourite to be the third most powerful man in the world.

Welcome to the end.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Poles Apart: The Video Trailer

In all the Zero hubbub, I quite forgot that next year brings Poles Apart, which promises to be another brilliant theatrical experience.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then please read my previous posts on it here and here.

Read them? Good, now move on...

I was reminded of my post-Zero existence while we were performing at the Brewery Arts Centre in Kendal, because it is a venue I will be returning to with Poles Apart, so while I'm arsing about making people laugh about immigration, the ghosts of torture and Tom will be knocking about.

Not one to sit on his arse, my fellow Poles Apart player, a certain Mr. Mark Whiteley, has knocked together a grand trailer of the aforementioned show. Watch it and be amazed...


Poles Apart from Hard Graft Theatre on Vimeo.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

Zero: Images 2










As promised, more pictures from Zero as I'm now back from York and at home briefly before hitting Kendal (the home of mint cake) and Oxford.

York was intimate to say the least, audience on top of us which in a way is cool but in another way is not so great because the intensity of the show means that as they are so close, it could be a little bit like being in the storm, rather than watching it.

Another note: after each show we give the performance a score out of ten and what is fascinating is that very rarely do all 5 actors and our company stage manager agree on the scores on the doors.

One man's 9 is another man's 6.

Or so it seems.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Zero: Images




Thought I'd provide some pictures of Zero for all ya'll who won't get to see it, more to follow once I upload them.

Last night was the first night on the road, in my hometown of Nottingham and we're here for another few days before going up to York. Nice to be here and looked after by the human shaped legend that is the Kirky, hopefully we'll be consuming sherry so we can make ourselves into the future.

I'll keep you posted on that one...

Zero: End of the Beginning

And so the beginning of Zero, here at Warwick Arts Centre, draws to a close tonight and we have had a great opening week, full houses, excellent reviews and positive feedback from our audiences means we have gotten off to a great start (aside from my fucking back).

So it is time to say farewell to Coventry and the start of life on the road, which next week means a return to my hometown of Nottingham (Lakeside Arts Centre) and then a few nights in the beautiful city of York (York Theatre Royal).

So this means linking up with the legend that is Kirky, seeing some old friends and relatives back in my manor and then enjoying some cakes up in York.

Bring it on!