Thursday, 30 April 2009

Mr. Madiba

On my way to an audition this morning and just outside Wood Green tube station a young man handed me the above flyer.

Normally I don't take flyers but the young man looked fatigued and I took pity on him, glad I did as the flyer gave me some amusement as I wend my way to the audition.

It seems that Mr. Madiba was gifted from birth with special powers and is able to fight off black magic (by using magic I presume?), disarm voodoo, eradicate sexual impotency, enable business transactions, exams and court cases (a fantastic collection of events) to go very well indeed. Never mind his superhuman abilities to split up unwanted relationships and gambling.

One's mind is drawn to the fact that if he actually had all these powers then perhaps he would turn them to greater use, like ending poverty, war or Pig AIDS but no, breaking up unwanted relationships is his area of expertise.

A brief spell of Googling Mr. Madiba led me to this wonderful discovery, where the Advertising Standards Authority have ruled on the fantastic claims he makes. I don't know what is funnier, that some poor soul felt the urge to take him to the ASA after he didn't remove the voodoo spell on them, or the wording of the ASA report, which includes this chestnut:

1. objected to the claims that the advertisers could break spells, get back a partner who had run away and help somebody suffering from black magic, because she believed that they exploited the vulnerable;

2. challenged whether the claims could be substantiated; and

3. objected that the references to health, asthma and impotency breached the Codes.

On a different note all together, you'll all be glad to know that President Obama thinks that waterboarding is torture and that it was a mistake to use it.

How bad were the last guys in charge if this is something that he has to even say and that it makes me feel happy he has said it?

Talk about setting the bar low...

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Have any of my Readers got Pig AIDS yet?

RUN TO THE HILLS! PIG AIDS IS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL SLOW DEATH! IT'S JUST LIKE 28 DAYS LATER BUT WITHOUT THE ZOMBIES WHO CAN RUN REALLY FAST AND SPIT BLOOD! YEAH, IT IS JUST LIKE THAT!

I tell you what, this Pig AIDS sure is moving real quick, in fact, it's surge around the world is only matched by it's surge into the blogosphere and my blogs of note. I found evidence of Pig AIDS infection here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THIS POST! I'VE GOT PIG AIDS TOO!

Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a state of emergency in California, as 13 people (out of the state's 36.5 million) might have have Pig AIDS. Which bodes well for if he ever gets near the White House, as it illustrates his calm thinking in times of non-crisis. Indeed, the entire world seems to be blindly panicking, perhaps unnerved by a rare reminder of humanity's liminality, weakness and temporary nature...

Monday, 27 April 2009

"Get the Bleach Duck! We've Got Racoons or Summat!"

My new, non-regular, Monday morning caption competition.

What have you got?

Suggestions in the comments.

*UPDATE*

And the winner is Anonymous with...

"SWINE FLU"

Thank you all for your contributions, much obliged and you made me laugh a great deal.

Friday, 24 April 2009

Corpse can Hide Smell if all be Corpses

Call me corpse
Corpse knew not
Corpse knew not he were dead
Corpse woke and washed
Corpse ate breakfast
Corpse kissed wife
Corpse went to office
Call me corpse

Corpse called in corpse to meeting
Corpse concerned, high smell gets worse
Corpse can make decisions, corpse can hide high smell
Call me corpse
Call me corpse

Corpse can grin
Corpse can bear it
Corpse can get accustomed
Call me corpse
Call me corpse
Call me corpse

Corpse's work pile getting higher
Corpse and corpse draft a corpse's charter
Call me corpse

Corpse thought of house
Corpse thought of wife
Corpse thought of nation
Corpse thought of his begotten babes
Call me corpse
Call me corpse
Call me corpse
Call me corpse

Corpse can hide smell if all be corpses
Call me corpse
Call me corpse

(a stolen song from Selfish Cunt)

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Anti-Terror Billboards


(Click on the images to make them bigger and read the text)

The UK is becoming like the US but only after the US has started it's journey out of the hell it was in.

Anti-terror billboards have been popping up all over the UK, mainly encouraging people to investigate odd behaviour such as leaving rubbish out, having a camera, strange comings and goings (who uses that phrase anymore?), staring at CCTV, having more than one mobile phone, driving a van and regular use of computers (terrorist use them you too you know?), padlocks and suitcases.

I kid you not, the full list is here. It is Bush-American in it's grave and terrifying stupidity.

Of course, investigated means ringing up the anti-terrorist hotline (which I imagine is a bright red phone that glows whilst it rings) and snitching on anything and everything you or someone else deems odd, like owning some padlocks.

The UK government may as well run down the street shouting: "FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! BE SCARED PLEASE!" Indeed, this is pretty much what they have been doing of late as the political landscape darkens for them and any distraction from how bad they are doing is embraced like a dying grandparent.

Thankfully, you can make your own anti-terror billboards right here, so get stuck in and get creative with anti-terrorist sentiment. All I ask is that you share them with me.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

I Have a Moustache



Truth be told, I've had it for a while and I am immensely proud of it.

In the acting game it is useful to have some kind of gimmick, at times acting skill are sometimes just not enough. Having said that, my height is one such gimmick, rolling in as I do at 6ft 6in (I lost an inch...you heard).

I used to have very elaborate and high maintenance hair which helped me get a few jobs and fuelled a few stand-up routines but as age creeps up, the old hair quality deteriorates and action must be taken.

Having been a fan of the beard for some time, it felt right, with my new smart barnet, to mix it with the big boys and go for the moustache.

Am I living the dream or what?

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Dick Cheney Hearts Torture, Torture Hearts Him Back

You've got to laugh, otherwise you'd cry your eyes out until your heart was empty.

President Obama has put the fear of God up the CIA after releasing all the Bush torture memos, even though he made it clear there was an amnesty on such terrible acts, he felt compelled to go visit the CIA and make them feel better for being a bunch of torturing twats; blindly following directives by bad lawyers and, of course, Dick fucking Cheney. The fact that one prisoner alone was water boarded some 266 times is bad enough but Dick Cheney, surprise surprise, wades in like a fat, cancerous whale with horns into blood stained waters.

The aim of this horrific wading was to appear on Fox News (they must be so proud) and demand the release of the all the wonderful success stories of torture and water boarding.

Read that bit again.

Torture works folks, it never has in the past and every security source discredits it as a useful means of acquiring quality and timely strategic information but heck, that Dick Cheney knows his torture onions, I mean, think of his poor fucking wife and what she's had to go through. Cheney doesn't even show any signs of remorse, he even goes as far as to describe torture as enormously valuable, which is a term you might use to refer to your friendly dog keeping you company through your recuperation after your fourth heart attack but not the repeated simulated drowning of prisoners.

In fact, I got the title of this post wrong, Cheney has no fucking heart left.

I feel bad for Obama, he inherited such a terrible legacy, like a glorious, surging attacking midfielder running onto an awful, 50/50 ambulance pass; that if he pulls out of will make him look weak and if he takes it on, he'll end with a career ending cruciate ligament injury.

What would you do?

Monday, 20 April 2009

Gnomes in Love

I promise to keep you company

At the bottom of the garden

For as long as I live

As the sun fades our colour

And our story grows richer

With two hearts full of love

Friday, 17 April 2009

Today is my Birthday

I am 33.

In reverse order with large chunks missing and my current facial state excluded, the last 10 years...













I'm off for a beer.

See ya'll next week.

Peace.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

I'm on in New York!

I have just learnt that my first proper feature film, which I shot last year entitled My Last Five Girlfriends, is about to have it's World Premiere at one the greatest film events in the world: the Tribeca Film Festival.

How cool is that?

The page dedicated to the film itself is here, so you can get to watch an excellent trailer for the movie (I'm the one with the big hair and fancy shirt at the start), where not only do you get a glimpse of me but also the lead Brendan Patricks, female lead Naomie Harris, good friend of mine Chris Gascoyne and the screen legend that is Michael Sheen. I can assure you that I am in it for longer than the trailer shows...at least I hope so and that all my lines were not cut out...heh...moving on swiftly...

The highlight though is the director's biog, where Julian Kemp delivers a very amusing monologue to camera (he trained at RADA you know love!) from one of the most unflattering angles known to man.

As Miss Lewis would say, you're a stalwart Kemp!

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Culture of Fear

I was reading the blog post here, where the blogger in question was trying to convince us all that what she considered common sense, sensible attitudes to "stranger danger" were not in fact the fear-ridden anxieties of someone who seems to think we live in the most dangerous of times.

We don't by the way.

The post itself is full of words like vulnerable, exposed to the mercy of others and harm, it reeks of fear but not of reasonable fear but hysterical fear, safety first fear, the kind that stunts your life experience, the kind that battens down the hatches and makes the world something to be feared rather than embraced. It also smacks of a fear of getting hurt, in whatever sense, as if pain (in all it's many forms) is something to be avoided, rather than a huge source of learning and growth.

I'm banging on about this blog post because I read this today, an article on a study by the Mental Health Foundation that quite clearly points to us being a nation of fearful idiots, scared of imaginary terrorist and crime threats, anxious about financial uncertainty and thus trapped in a crippling period of paralysis. Aside from the cretins who believe this nonsense, who are the ones keeping us fearful? Why, the ones with the most to gain of course!

Often exaggerated are fear of crime, terrorism and loss of community, the MHF finds. Increased access to information about possible threats to security via 24-hour news and the internet contribute to unease among the general population.

The report lambasts politicians, public bodies, the media and business people for what it calls institutionally-driven fear fuelled by scaremongering use of "worst-case scenario" language around issues such as knife-crime, MRSA and terrorism.

As Bertrand Russell said: "collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd" a perfect state to have the collective in for those in power. A fearful public are an easily manipulated one, are a selfish one caught in a destructive web of self-obsession at their own personal mores and issues; so not concerned with the struggles of the whole, willing to cede decision making to those in power on the grand issues.

More fool us. And worryingly, it is the young who are most fearful, no doubt under the influence of scare-mongering parents and the culture of fear we are building around us.

On a side note, something in the piece made me smile, the slightly piqued assertion from the police that even though the UK has more CCTV cameras than the rest of Europe put together (some 4.2 million), they don't seem to make us feel any safer.

HA HA HA!

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Watch with DHG

Via the legend that is Dave, a great educational video.

Yes, it is long but well worth the full watch, especially if you are, like me, exasperated at having to argue the toss with idiots all the time...

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

"It's a Very Long and Complicated Story..."

Yesterday, my doorbell rang and I went to answer it.

It was two elderly chaps who were trying to sell God to me, I kindly refused, saying that I wasn't religious at all and bid them good day.

One of them looked confused and pointed at my t-shirt, the penny dropped, I had forgotten I was wearing my "Jews For Jesus" tee, that I bought as a joke because I found the idea of Jews being for Jesus very funny indeed.

I looked down at the t-shirt and then back at the gentlemen and said:

"It's a very long and complicated story."

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Blogging About Blogging Spam

I know blogging about blogging is naff as fuck, even if some of my favourite blogs have been doing it a lot recently, but online diaries seem to have metamorphosed, like some future youth, hepped up on growth hormones and stem cell research into these ugly, snide beasts that propagate personal opinion and myth like they are eternal truths.

Why is everyone a political blogger now? Where have all the personal diaries gone? Why do so many hide behind daft names? Why do I care?

Anyway, I thought if esteemed bloggers who are in the 30 best bloggers in the UK at the moment are doing it, then why can't I?

My rhetorical question is: do bloggers have responsibility for what is said in their comments?

The answer for me is an unequivocal yes and the reason I'm asking is that on quite a few blogs I frequent and one in particular, the comments are getting out of hand. Blogger has given us plenty of tools by which to maintain and control comments to stop this; not that I am a fan of moderation at all (as this slows the dialogue and exchange of ideas) but on a basic level, you can delete offensive stuff or, you can close comments all together on a post to stop it descending into an endless tit-for-tat.

At Blurred Clarity, if anyone here uses hate speech in their comments, like racist terms, homophobia, gender bashing, then after a warning, the comment will be gone. I can't let bigotry stand, even in my tiny, tiny part of the Internet. It is a matter of principle.

Some bloggers let offensive comments stand because they support that view but don't want to be caught saying it and can hide under the free speech, anti-censorship stance. Some bloggers let offensive comments stand because they are of the 'give them enough rope to hang themselves' stance, which is all well and good but if the comments go unchallenged it just looks like you condone them. Finally, some bloggers let the offensive comments stand because, no matter what they are faced with, they cannot bring themselves to censor an opinion; which is honourable but makes you a target for exploitation.

I find the best way to kill out of control commenting is to, once all avenues of discussion have been exhausted, to either delete the comments or close the thread.

And I say this as someone who has overstepped the mark in commenting many times before but, as a blogger, you have a responsibility to make sure the comments on your blog are moderated in one form or the other, without repressing people's right to contribute.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Coming Up

I bloody love Paul McCartney and I've recently been hoovering up his solo releases and absorbing their greatness, with a view to some of the genius rubbing off on me. It hasn't happened yet...

When it comes to the musical faultline of Lennon/McCartney, I always fall on the side of the one who isn't dead, wasn't a wife beater and could play some mighty fine guitar, bass, piano and was the best drummer in The Beatles.

I'd forgotten all about "Coming Up" which is off Macca's 1980 solo release McCartney II, an electronica counterpoint to his first solo album released in 1970 entitled, of course, McCartney.

As a young chap, aside from a best of my mum had (which was amazingly missing this fine track), "Coming Up" was one of my first tastes of solo McCartney and an old good friend who sadly, I am no longer in touch with called Matthew Yeomans, turned me onto this pop epic via the hilarious video.

As if in pastiche of himself, Paul McCartney (the white Stevie Wonder as far as I'm concerned) plays all the instruments as the track jauntily bops along in it's funk groove. The title of the song also seems appropriate as at the end of last week, my wonderful Eva-Jane, in an act of sheer force of will, got together the crew and actors and began the filming of her own debut feature film entitled "Ten".

This is for you...

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Terry Richardson is a Legend






One of humanity's best photographers.

More of his magic right here.

Get into it and model for him, if you're man enough to get your tail out/breasts.

You heard.