Thursday, 25 February 2010

State by State. Part 1: Missives on Alabama to Missouri


ALABAMA
I have been there, it was hotter than hell and I had a cry at Martin Luther King's Church in Montgomery. Home to a lot of racism, it might have even been invented there and a keystone in the transformation of the South from Democrat to Republican. Nearly the fattest state but it isn't there quite just yet. Alabama loves Jesus a great deal.

ALASKA
Coldest state by some margin, this may or may not be connected to the fact it has more suicides than any other state and also consumes more oil than any other. The bastards also gave us Sarah Palin and over-fishing. Did I mention it is very cold?

ARIZONA
I have been there. The hottest state, even hotter than Alabama and just pipping close pal Nevada. There is also a serious lack of drive-ins and entertainment facilities, only 10 per 1 million people. Home to a surprisingly large amount of dis-enfranchised white folks.

ARKANSAS
Gave us Bill Clinton. HURRAH! A constant battleground between decency and liberty, not as red or blue as it may appear.

CALIFORNIA
I have been there, who hasn't? Sometimes it is not like America at all. A shed load of people live there, it is America's most populated state. Been at war with Utah to have the fewest smokers in the United States, with only .2% separating them, tune in next week to see who'll win the war on fags! California does win the award for least petrol consumed of all the states, some achievement considering its size. I've also figured out why the rest of the 49 states hate it so: it has more foreigners than all of the others. Rumours of California's collapse abound, will it fall into the sea, will it fade away and can all this be blamed on the Terminator?

COLORADO
A very square state but perhaps not as square as Wyoming which is very square indeed. Square carries unhip connotations so let's use boxy instead. Clear light and thin air, good climate, the settlement of Colorado has a shallowness and impermanence about it. It is a place of romantic individualism.

CONNECTICUT
I have been there. If you live there you are a Nutmegger. Nearly the slimmest state with only 51% of its population obese and another nearly, in that it nearly has America's best teeth. Uses hardly any oil at all and is clearly too posh for oil. Very rich but not as rich as Delaware, a point of some consternation to all the old money floating about there. A place to drive through, famous for being very WASP.

DELAWARE
I have been there and it didn't last very long. The first state is the richest state by a clear margin of $11,000 over Connecticut, perhaps because it doesn't like to tax people very much and is something of an on-shore haven for corporations.

FLORIDA
I have been there and not just to Disney. My dad insisted that we explore other parts of the state and I got to see the joys of poverty in Florida at the age of 19. It upset me a lot. Florida is smashing and loves its own but is the second most popular choice for non-Floridians to move to and call home, so they must be doing something right.

GEORGIA
I have been there and thought it very beautiful, plus, it gave us Ray Charles. Many Chinese live there because the climate is like China, it also loves Jesus quite a bit.

HAWAII
The best teeth in America are in this state but they don't like to vote much, gave us Obama (along with Kenya) but no one knows what Hawaii actually means.

IDAHO
Another state with a made-up name that has no meaning at all...it might mean Hello. Idaho has 10 major rivers, 18 ski resorts and fifteen people per square mile. It used to have a hell of  a lot of beavers but they all got killed.

ILLINOIS
I would love to go to the land of Lincoln, which in theory makes it the best state ever, because although Lincoln was born in Kentucky, it was in Illinois that he made his name. As well as Lincoln Illinois makes its claim to being the best state by contributing Miles Davis, Muddy Waters and Oprah Winfrey. Also, Obama has a strong connection to the state. Never, ever, pronounce the 's' at the end of Illinois, it is a hanging offence.

INDIANA
The lowest divorce rate of all the states, so it is a state of lovers...or masochists, one or the other. They used to make a lot of mint in the state, now replaced by corn, which is pretty much everywhere, especially in the next state...

IOWA
One word: corn. Corn is the biggest thing in Iowa since...well...nothing. Corn is where it is at and as not many Americans are willing to pick corn, Iowa has become an unlikely mini-Mexico in the Mid-West.

KANSAS
I have nothing to say about Kansas. Sorry.

KENTUCKY
America's smokers abound here, 33% of the population smoke, hence the second worst teeth in America, so much to be proud of in Kentucky. Actually, the climate is perfect for a whole range of insect and other wildlife to flourish there, making it one of America's richest ecosystems.

LOUISIANA
I have been there, New Orleans however was to me a vomit drenched blot on the landscape of a fine state. This was pre-Katrina. I had a piss on ice cubes in a trough with lemon slices in, the watery-citrus-piss juice leaked out into an open drain. Louisiana locks more people up than any other state, even more than Texas and they are mad for it, most Louisianian stay in Louisiana, for life. I saw this in reality, wooden houses on sticks in the middle of marshes.

MAINE
The safest and least violent place in all America. Quick move there! It is also the oldest with a median age of 41. If you are not from there you are a 'From Away'. It is illegal to bait bears with donuts and shoot them in Maine and the drug of choice is coffee brandy. I think Maine may be my new favourite state...

MARYLAND
I have been there and if you live there you will know Marylander's have on average a very long commute to work. The state song of Maryland, the catchy titled 'Maryland! My Maryland!' is a racist, separatist dirge with anti-Abraham Lincoln lyrics.

MASSACHUSETTS
I have been there and is my current favourite state because it has Boston in it and a wealth of history. There is no such thing as a Massachusettean but rather people from the state are called Bay Staters. If you look at Massachusetts on a map and squint, it looks like a mini-America, aside from Texas is missing (a blessing?) and Florida is horribly deformed. The state is very much the past and as each year slips by it get's further about the past and less about the now. Loves the Red Sox. A lot.

MICHIGAN
Highest unemployment rate in the US, it has taken a lot of hard blows on behalf of the entire country. You are never more than 6 miles from freshwater, in fact water is a big part of the state. People in Michigan are obsessed with the weather because they have a lot of it, they are also obsessed with being generous and kind.

MINNESOTA
Made in Northern Europe. Only 9% of Minnesotans lack health insurance and it really does not like incarcerating people unless it absolutely has to. They also love voting in Minnesota. This may be to do with the phenomena of 'Minnesota Nice' the perhaps mythical attitude of all Minnesotans, which might have more to do with a deep sense of shame at the poverty they came from and the government subsidies they take.

MISSISSIPPI
Does not like breast feeding one bit or roller coasters, it has a serious lack of them. Poorest state by some distance and does not like foreigners one bit but they were very nice to be as I have been there. Competes with Alabama as the home of racism in the US.

MISSOURI
They have large canoes here you know? They also used to have the fourth largest city in America and the collapse of St. Louis is the stuff of legend, as was its alarming crime figures, which thankfully are now creeping downward. Missouri has become America's mini-Bosnia Herzegovina with the largest number of Bosnians living outside of Bosnia.

9 comments:

  1. Very interesting!

    I'm looking forward to your thoughts on Nevada and Washington (state, that is).

    ReplyDelete
  2. Indeed, Part 2 of course and then I might do the counties!

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  3. I'm sure you're aware that 'fag' has an entirely different meaning here in the US; however, your comment about California works well with either meaning.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Darren:

    How could I forget, excellent point.

    Uphillrider:

    Indeed I am, it was a terrible attempt at a pun with political undertones.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Michigan: Home of Motown..You are clueless

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  6. Hello Thrasher troll!

    This is not supposed to be some kind of comprehensive list, you idiot and the Goody family settled in Michigan but came from Georgia, you could argue that's the roots of Motown.

    Now bugger off your negative, tedious troll.

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  7. Love it. Am looking forward to Wyoming.

    ReplyDelete

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