Friday, 16 April 2010

Stew & Dumplings and the 1st Prime Ministerial Debate

It was with a sense of anticipation that Eva-Jane and I sat down with our beef stew and dumplings to watch the first of three Prime Ministerial Debates, this one being on ITV.

It got off to a very bad start as we have some serious aerial problems were we live and a few moments before it all kicked off the signal was just fine, but then, as if disturbed by David Cameron who resembles C3PO made of ham, it went on the fritz. We could of course get the BBC but we didn't, for once, want the BBC and no doubt when the BBC has the debate it will implode on itself and all we'll be able to get is What Katie Did Next.

To add to the frustration, the live stream on the shite ITV website kept buffering every 31 motherfucking seconds, making it a stop start affair that was so frustrating I said fuck an awful lot and bemoaned modern technology.

Thanks to some expert cable wiggling by Eva (not a euphemism) and some crafty use of a magnetic paperclip holder as a ramp and some high heels as a paperweight (again, not euphemisms) we got a good signal.

You see, unlike those tedious bastards wracked with an aloof cynicism about the entire thing, we were quite excited to see what would happen, our appetite for politics not dulled by spending far too much time on the Internet and being very presumptuous about what the great unwashed think.

We were not disappointed and although it was not the best thing ever, it certainly sparked our interest in the election further and the following debates and when we went to About My Vote, the place you go to register to vote, it was snowed under with traffic and was very slow indeed. That is some impact.

Some thoughts then...

First up, their was a huge effort on the part of all three to remember everyone's name that asked a question but all that extended to was not actually remembering the names but writing them down and referring to them off of their bits of paper. This effort to be personal, to look at the questioner, to call them by name, was a nice idea but pushed to such grotesque extremes it was painful to watch and seemed horribly forced in the hands of those three socially stunted individuals.

I actually think that these chaps are at their worst when they try and be populist and 'of the people', the truth is they aren't and their jobs can't be done by everyone, so trying to smudge the barriers between us and them just makes them look odd and us stupid. I don't think the electorate what folksy mannerisms, which just appear disingenuous, what people want is policy and answers to tough questions.

This human touch, or Spock touch as I prefer to call it, got even worse when 'our brave servicemen and women' got mentioned, it suddenly felt like the Sun was speaking through all three of them. All three were falling over themselves to say how brave our brave troops were for being so brave and brave in the face of things that are hard to be brave in front of even if you are really, really brave, as they are and I did I mention that they are brave?

A horrid moment was Brown, at the end of a spiel just like that, vomiting out the catchphrase: "I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!" as if he has some new, military based form of Tourette Syndrome.

Clegg developed a constantly-exasperated-with-the-other-two-nobs thing, that did wear thin after a while, nearly as thin as Brown’s constant smiling/chortling and trying to show that Clegg is on his team and D-Cam standing square centre for much of it, looking off at '11 o’clock' as if from the Marlon Brandon school of acting. I did like Clegg's body language though, open and engaged, not like the ham C3PO of D-Cam and the slightly hunched but beaming Brown.

The biggest problem was the sheer weight of anecdotes that got bandied around, it seems that all three have been busy meeting disabled/young/old/black/unemployed/soldiers/and combinations of five, with the sole purpose of regailing us with anecdotes. Sorry but these didn't wash, especially David Cameron's anecdotal black man...

And speaking of David Cameron, most alarming was his propensity to sound like the Daily Mail, most of his scare stories were straight out of that vile, racist rag and it showed a lack of fact and reliance on twisting a good old yarn...the twat.

In summary then, Cameron was horrid, Brown was surprisingly smiley and wonderfully solid and Clegg flared it out like the little Liberal Democrat genius he is.


  1. I cross Murdoch's palm with silver, so I don't have to wiggle anything to get a good reception. (Up here it is a necessity to either have a very strong signal booster or a satellite dish as TV reception is woeful, despite only living a few miles from Norwich).

    I'm off to start my new porn website. It's called Leader's Wives...

  2. The beef stew and dumplings sounds like an ideal accompaniment to the lightweight starter.

  3. Actually I missed the whole thing and to be honest, I've taken to turning to any channel other than a news channel just recently. The whole soundbite thing has little value for me this time round, mainly as I won't be in a position to put my thumbprint on any of the required documentation. It's slightly unfortunate timing wise, but I'm just not going to be in the country. Maybe next time.

  4. I didn't want the debate report. I wanted the recipe for that stew.

  5. Ellie:

    Artist impression, my stew doesn't look exactly like that but pretty close.


    I await your sex site eagerly...


    Indeed it was, indeed it was.

    Chris of Arabia:

    I really do think it has energised some people here and the Lib Dems have had a great boost in the polls, which can't be bad.

    Madam Miaow:

    Ok, recipe coming up but I use a lot of Tabasco, coriander, parsley and a sneaky bit of chicken stock, even though I make beef stew.

  6. Nice stew indeed!

    I think 'Dave's' gig may be impoding under his nose (I just re-read that - it sounds weird but you get my drift). Or at least I hope it is. Moon faced twerp!

  7. I agree. May I have the Stew and dumplings recipe. Man it looks tasteeeyyyyyyy!

  8. White Rabbit:

    Moon faced twerp is a fine insult for the big twat!


    That is a great, great find mate, thanks for that, had me and Eva-Jane in stitches.


    I don't know if I can give away the secret...

  9. Awww man! You so should ;-)
    To be fair the stew with added tobasco sound delightful bud! It really does!


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