Guest Post by Mark Whiteley of Hard Graft Theatre Company

Scene 1 INT. bedroom day.

Dave has found a load of free porn on the internet and is trying to find a picture of his “type” before he comes.

Hello.

Yes hello….

I’m just surfing and I found this site.

Right…

Well, I don’t know what to write, lovely weather today.

Boring.

What?

Weather.

You wouldn’t say that if there was a cold snap.

Cold snap?

Yes, a cold snap or a depression.

Like talking to you?

What?

A depression, ha ha ha.

Who is this?

Delta two Dave.

What’s Delta two Dave mean?

It’s my handle, like on the CB but today.

One nine a copy come on.

What?

Like on CB, you know citizen band radio? This internet thing is like CB, but bigger and instead of talking you have to type.

Nerd boy.

Sorry.

I’ve had me dustbin nicked.

Is that it?

Yes, I’ve had it nicked last night. I usually bring it in straight away, but I was busy, my friend was round and he started telling me something personal, I can’t tell you what it is but you wouldn’t believe it.

And it was nicked?

Yes.

Had it been emptied?

I think so.

I’ll have to put a form in the post.

Right.

What?

I said right.

Okay. Is that everything?

Yes.

Well, that you...

Aren’t you going to ask for me address?

No.

I’m looking for mixed race, have you any mixed race?

I’ve got group, do you like group?

Sometimes, I mean I would is she was game, but I’d have to wear something.

A suit?

No, twat. A Johnnie.

Johnnie?

A knodder, a sheath, a condom, got to go he’s back.

The line goes dead……………………………………………………………